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Sunday, September 14, 2014

Refugees


Refugees

He walks with me
in the meadows of my mind
through patterns and rhyme
and meters I'd long forgot
until he pointed
at them lying in leaves
of dappled brown.

He taught me how to listen
for the sound of light
on water seen only in
periphery and gone
if I turn
my face to gaze

to understand the need
for touch, how time
slows down
when the fog comes in
and sound is muffled in a
cool, moist cloud

how loudly silence rings
in the susserrous of trees in the wind
and remembering the
joy of standing underneath
the mossy oak

Strong, like those limbs
that cupped us, children,
unaware that wind
can crush us or caress
and how to know the difference.
Find shelter from the storm.

Wednesday, August 6, 2014

Saving Prospect Hill

The Archaeological Conservancy is making a final push to get funds to repair the roof at Prospect Hill. If they can raise $35,000, the house can be saved.  This house has such historic significance.  The ghosts of Prospect Hill impeach us to try.

To read how you can help, click here.  https://www.indiegogo.com/projects/saving-prospect-hill

For more about the story of Prospect Hill, click here.


Sunday, June 15, 2014

To My Daddy on Father's Day



A few days after my father's funeral, I stopped in to see Mimi Miller at The Historic Natchez Foundation.  She told me she'd been too shy to get up in front of a crowd and tell one of her stories about my dad at the service, but if she had, one of the stories she'd have told was of the first time she met him.

"I was intrigued by him," she said.

My father had this -- je ne sais quoi -- charisma.  He was handsome and self-assured.

It was at a party my parents were giving with another couple.  Somehow the conversation turned to the question:  What is your favorite thing to do?

Most people had the usual replies:  traveling to Europe, watching football games, going to the lake with friends, dining out.

When it came my father's turn to reply, he didn't miss a beat:  "Carpool."

"Carpool?"

People looked confused.

"Yes," he said. "Every morning I get to drive my children to school.  I have them all to myself.  Sometimes I pick them up in the afternoon and drive them home.  It's my favorite thing to do, the best part of my day."

He didn't say anything about going out on the river, hunting....anything.  His children were his favorite thing.  The man who had every woman's eye on him wanted nothing more than to be with his children.

What a guy.

I only hope I lived up to what a child should be to her parent.  He did his part, in spades.

Friday, June 13, 2014

Matters Familias - Balls of Steel

Someone was posting on Facebook a little while ago about snakes, so I thought I'd bring out an old post and dust it off. Makes me miss my daddy.


  Okay...so last night I was all freaked out and complaining about that damned Murphy whose law just plains sucks eggs.  You know, the one that says if it can go wrong it will?

I was visiting the boyfriend in town and called my dad to see what was going on.

"Dee, Versace is gone.  I've looked everywhere."

Versace, for those of you who don't know, is my daughter's precious little puggle (cross between a pug and a beagle).  The ex-husband decided he didn't want to deal with her anymore after my daughter got an apartment, so I went over to the house on my last visit to Los Angeles and got her and brought her home.  My daughter loves that dog more than anything or anyone else.  So on the few occasions something's happened where we thought we'd have to make that dreaded call and tell her something awful has happened have been truly horrifying times.

Last night was one of them.

My dad lives on 400 acres in the country.  There's a fellow who lives  behind us who raises cows, and he and my dad have an arrangement.  If he'll come and cut the pasture and make it look all pretty like a golf course, he can keep the hay and use it for his cattle.

But Versace loves to chase cars.  So we have to keep her inside if anyone's driving around outside.  So back to the story.

"I'd waited until I was sure Robert had left and then I let her out," he said.  "But a little while later I heard the other dogs making a big racket, and went out to see what it was."

Turns out all the dogs were frantically barking at a big-as-all-get-out water mocassin.  My 85-year-old father, who cut down a pecan tree all by himself last year, got a stick.  Not even a big stick.  Just a stick.  And beat that three-foot-long, four-inch-diameter, mean-ass water mocassin to death.  A little stick maybe two feet long.

"I felt bad for the poor snake," he said.  "But I had to do it."

The closer he gets to his own mortality, the more he hates taking a life -- any life.

I'd have been scared silly.

Then he noticed Versace was gone.  And that's when I called.  We both knew what had happened.  She'd been bitten and run off to die somewhere.

"I'll be right out," I said, along with a few rather horrible profanities under my breath, and drove pell-mell out to Daddy's.  We called and called and called.  Nothing.

I was supposed to have taken her to the vet this week for all her shots, her worming, and her rattlesnake vaccine.  This was a water mocassin...but still.

I was heartbroken.  And exhausted.  I went to bed.  I ranted about Murphy's Law on Facebook for a bit and then turned off the light and went to bed.  I was in that twilight where you're not really asleep but not awake either, when I heard something running into the room and jumping onto the bed.

"Versace?"

She waggled her butt and smiled and licked my face.

Am I dreaming?  I stumbled out of bed and went downstairs.  I crept into Daddy's room.

"Daddy?"

"She came to the door a few minutes ago.  I was so glad to see her I gave her a whole can of cat food."

Canned cat food is Versace's guilty pleasure.  He usually curses at her and kicks her out of the way when she tries to horn in on the kitties' food.

I took her today to get those shots.

How do you spell relief?  W-o-o-f!



Wednesday, June 4, 2014

Paragon of Prostitutes

Rolla by Henri Gervex (1852 - 1929)
From Natchez Under-the-Hill by Edith Wyatt Moore
Southern Historical Publications, Inc.
Natchez, Mississippi
1958

(The following nonfiction story took place in 1789)

No spot on the American continent ever more a viler name than Natchez-under-the Hill.  Early travelers described it variously as a gambler's paradise, a sink-hole of iniquity and a resort of the damned.  In spite of its black reputation, this early river town was probably no more evil than any other raw frontier. ~ Edith Wyatt Moore

As newcomers arrived [to Natchez] by nearly every boat, it soon became good judgment to ask no questions.  An inquisitive remark or ill-considered jest might bring sudden death.

Eyebrows may have lifted but you may be sure no audible comments were made when the self-styled Madam Aivoges set herself up in a manner so splendid that she might well have been a lady.  Her floors were carpeted with fine rugs and her windows curtained with satin brocades.  Furthermore, she had a spinet.  It came on a Lisbon packet and was delivered to her house by husky slaves.

Olympia by Edouard Manet 1863
The Madam's red curls and grey-green eyes set her apart from the sloe-eyed, raven-haired Latins and kinky-haired octoroons who dwelt nearby, and as if this weren't enough, it was whispered she could read and write.  Some went so far as to say she spoke several languages.

In time her hauteur and the evident scorn she felt for her vulgar, low-browed neighbors aroused their burning curiosity and the sultry passionate hatred of many denizens of the lower town.

Everyone admitted that Madam Aivoges' establishment was the most elegant place ever to exist in Natchez-under-the-Hill.  Built in the Creole manner, it was part brick and part timber with narrow iron-trimmed balconies extending across its facade.  in fact, it looked more like a quiet hotel than a place dedicated to vice.

All of Madam's entertainers were bewitching blondes who behaved in public with such decorum that they were often mistaken for the pampered daughters of rich planters.  As for the Madam, herself, she was always discreet.  Her voice was never raised.  It was low, sweet and well-bred.  And, in spite of their envy and malice, her neighbors admired her extravagantly.

The Spinet by Thomas Wilmer Dewing (1851 - 1938) 
At night, when blood-curdling shrieks and raucous music issued from the nearby catalinas, gambling dens and cheap dance halls, the only sounds heard at the Madam's were soft laughter and the tinkling music of the spinet.

When callers came, as they frequently did, all were secretly inspected through a small aperture in the front door.  If this test proved satisfactory, the portal was thrown open by a liveried attendant.  Some hinted that it opened to his Excellency, the Governor, more often than not.  This place offered the one quiet rendezvous where a lonely man could seek relaxation and sensuous amusement.

River rowdies were never knowingly admitted, but if a ruffian got in by mistake, he was summarily ejected by Carlos, a powerful, hairy-chested, blue-bearded hulk of a man, who acted swiftly and silently.  It was whispered that Carlos guarded the Madam like a bulldog and in spite of his huge frame and somber visage, it was obvious that he served her as a pliant and adoring tool.  Carlos spoke a strange tongue where foreign languages were the rule, not an exception.  When he spoke, no one comprehended and few cared.  Only the Madam understood.

Rumor said Carlos was a deserter from the Bohemian Army and an ex-convict.  Hints, innuendoes and sly gossip kept the old port in a stir, but no one dared speak openly.  Many believed that but for Carlos and the fear he engendered, the Madam's establishment might have been burned by her enemies.

Regardless of local resentment, Madam Aivoges' name eventually became a synonym for elegance.  She was discussed throughout the length and breadth of the Mississippi Valley, yet the veil of secrecy was never entirely stripped from her life.  Her name appears in old Spanish tax lists, but to this good day, no one knows her true origin.  She was the most mysterious character ever linked with Natchez-under-the-Hill.

It has been said that she left Natchez twice a year, always going south by boat.  She wore subdued apparel, was heavily veiled and was usually attended by a colored maid.  Carlos carried her luggage on board but always remained behind to care for the business.  At the end of some four or five weeks, the Madam had a way of returning as quietly as she had departed but no explanations were ever made.

Some even noted that Carlos often rode into the Indian country carrying letters and packages which neighbors suspected were being sent overland by Indian traders.  It was expensive business, but the Madam was literally coining money and no one seemed to care.  Then one warm night in the spring of 1789, the story broke.
The Lafitte Brothers in Dominique's Bar - Artist Unknown

Several hours previously three handsome young blades had stepped from a galley, which ran regularly between New Orleans and Natchez.  Two of the visitors were well known as the twin sons of an aristocratic planter in the Second Creek section.  They had been attending an exclusive school in a seaboard city of the United States.  The third, a stalwart, auburn -haired stranger, was shy and diffident in spite of his rich apparel.

It was established that the three had been classmates and fast friends.  When their school closed unexpectedly due to an epidemic, the DuForest brothers insisted that Juan De Lovis accompany them to far-off Natchez.  The invitation was avidly accepted because Juan had a burning desire to see this rich Spanish capital.  In the first place, he dreaded the loneliness of being left behind.  And, secondly, his lovely mother lived on a plantation somewhere near Natchez.  She never failed to captivate all of his friends when she visited him at school.  Now, it was his turn to meet her friends.  Once in Natchez he'd seek her out and give her the surprise of a lifetime.

As the voyage began, Juan's mind was filled with happy anticipation.  He would lose no time in locating his mother, and what fun it would be to arrive unannounced.  As the hours slipped by, troubled thoughts began to intrude; vague memories haunted him and he suddenly realized that he'd been at sea before.  Then came crowding questions that he'd dared not ask till now.  Who was he and what did he really know of himself?  Why had he never seen his father or been permitted to visit his home like the other boys?

The lavish provision made for his support and education suggested a family of ample means.  Perhaps he was the lost heir to some disputed title, or the son of an important political exile.  Better still, he might even be the banished pretender of a puppet throne.  If not, why all this mystery and deep secrecy?

His mother always laughed and put him off by promising to explain everything at a proper time.  to his way of thinking, now was the time.  He was growing acutely sensitive.  This ignorance was gradually building a wall between himself and others and was fast setting him apart as an eccentric nobody.  Half-forgotten scenes tormented him.  He was constantly trying to remember something and he was filled with apprehensive doubts, fears and speculations.

Port of New Orleans
Detail of lithograph by D.W. Moody
In New Orleans they were lucky enough to board a Government galley which speeded their arrival in Natchez.  Strolling up the street to the Kentucky Tavern, then the most respectable stopping place in the port city, they deposited their luggage with the proprietor.  From there they hurried to the Government House to make the customary report of their presence in the province.  here they chatted with the affable Governor who offered to send a messenger out to the DuForest plantation, notifying them of their arrival. It would require at least two days for all of this to happen, but whoever heard of the word hurry during the Spanish era?  In the meantime, Nick argued, why not have a fling in Natchez-under-the-Hill?  After all, this would be their only chance.  once home they'd be caught up in a round of gaiety.

On return to the hotel, they told their plans to the proprietor, who seemed anxious.  "No man in this town ventures out after dark without proper arms," he told them.  "This place is infested with robbers and cutthroats and there are houses along the brink of the river where people disappear forever.  Young men are lured inside and murdered.  Their bodies are stripped and dropped in the water.  That's usually the end of them."

At his insistence, the young men armed themselves with pistols and dirks, then set out of a notorious beer garden beneath the upper bluffs.  For a time they were enchanted.  Flambeaux flickered in a huge vine-covered pavilion and dancing strumpets kept time to tinkling tambourines.  Men from all climes were there.  Several wore turbans and others had 'kerchiefs tied on their heads in pirate fashion.  Shrieking parrots roosted on low rafters and another exotic touch was added by gay cockatoos that fanned their wings and frequently lit on the shoulders of customers.  It was so weird and unnatural, that the young men grew tired of the blatant music and odorous fumes.  "Let's go to Madam Aivoges'," Nathaniel suggested.  "I've heard her wines are excellent and her entertainers beautiful."

"Yes," Nick urged, "its the most elegant place on the river and Juan mustn't miss it."

Following inspection they were ushered in with formal politeness.


"Be seated, gentlemen," the servant said, "and I'll announce you to the Madam."

The room was dimly lighted but they noted that it was richly furnished.  Then they became conscious of several other visitors lounging on comfortable chairs.  Suddenly a tall, dark-eyed fellow recognized the Du Forest brothers.

"Jehoshaphat!" he exclaimed.  "This is a surprise.  I didn't know you were in this part of the world."

After handshakes and proper introductions, he went on to say, "Don't tell me you've never met Madam Aivoges?  By Jove, you've missed a lot.  She's the toast of the river.  For two thousand miles up and down our waterways she's known as the most fascinating and mysterious woman of the underworld.  Her past is sealed but some say she's a countess from Hungary.  Others believe she's the illegitimate daughter of a Belgian prince.  I wouldn't be surprised at anything told of her.  She's incredible!"

"Yes," one of the others agreed.  "Some say she has a respectable family whom she visits annually."

At that moment light footsteps were heard and all eyes turned toward the door.  Then each man rose to his feet as if to greet some grand dame.  The curtains parted and in walked this paragon of prostitutes.  her copper-colored curls were piled high and she wore a shimmering, Nile green satin with billowy panniers.  A frothy lace 'kerchief was pinned over her bare shoulders to form a bertha and her tapering fingers glittered with diamonds.

Hers was a fragile beauty that all men love and Juan and his friends gave an audible gasp as she turned her face toward them.  For an instant her eyes met Juan's. The young man's blood ran cold.  He couldn't believe it.  Surely he was drunk or having hallucinations.  This couldn't be his mother.  his mother in a brothel!  he must be stark raving mad!

She started to speak, but the words died on her lips and a deep flush spread to the roots of her red-gold hair.  Then her grey-green eyes turned dark with wordless shame.  As the awful truth dawned on Juan he gave a heartbroken cry.  "My God, Mother, I'd rather see you dead!"

Then he suddenly saw red.  Shaking with rage he made a swift move and before others could forestall him, leveled a pistol at her breast and fired.  She crumpled at his feet, her hands held up in supplication.  Then she gave a deep sigh and between quivering lips whispered, "My son, please believe it was for you."

The onlookers were stunned.  Then someone shouted, "We've got to get out of here!  Get Juan out!"

But at that moment they heard heavy lunging footsteps and a bellowing sound as though a raging bull were charging them.  Again the curtains parted and Carlos stood there, half clad and grimly fierce.

As he looked at his dead mistress, a swift stream of unintelligible words came from his loose lips and anger flashed from beneath his beetling brows.  When his lips moved again, the sound was a hiss.  Juan knew him instantly.

This was the dreadful man linked with his early childhood.  For an eternity they stood in tense silence as Carlos' burning eyes slowly traveled from face to face.  Then his eyes met Juan's and a swift light of recognition instantly turned to one of hate.

The next moment he gave a roar, raised a murderous knife and lunged at Juan.  Seeming not to care, Juan stood his ground but Nick acted in his defense.  Firing point blank the ball passed through Carlos' thick neck.  They saw the big man reel, stumble and fall backward as a torrent of blood spurted from his jugular vein.  It gushed over the floor and soaked the satin clad figure at their feet.  They could even hear it gurgle as he struggled for breath.  It was a sickening spectacle.

"Why didn't you let him kill me?" Juan shouted in an anguished tone.  "I want to die.  It's the only solution."

"I'm your friend," Nick whispered.  Then seizing the unhappy youth by the arm he attempted to guide him from the room.  "Come," the others urged, "we must hurry."

By that time all Natchez-under-the-Hill was seething with excitement.  For the first time shots had been heard in Madam Avioges' house.  Crowds commenced milling around and a moment later the military police arrived.

"I did it," Juan shrieked hysterically.  "I alone am guilty."

"He lies," Nathaniel spoke with studied calm.  "He has had too much whiskey and doesn't know what he is saying.  It was really an act of self-defense."

"Yes," the others agreed.  "It was plainly a case of self-defense."

"Save your breath," one of the guards ordered.  "You ain't on trial yet."

"Please take us to his excellency," Nicholas pleaded.  "He'll listen to us because he knows us.  He'll never believe we are guilty of a willful crime."

The guard laughed.  "You may be find gentlemen," one said, "but you'll get the same works all others get.  We are taking you to the guardhouse where all offenders go."  Then he snarled, "Who ever heard of rousing the Governor at this late hour?"

They clopped up the hill in double-quick time, and on reaching the portcullis of the fort, were amazed to find his Excellency there.  He was mounting his horse and looked weary.  "What's all this damnable racket?" he shouted in exasperation.  Then, as the cavalcade drew nearer, he recognized his young callers of the afternoon and a shade of deep anxiety crossed his face.  Wheeling his horse about, he dismounted and ordered the prisoners taken to the orderly room.  As the frightened, wild-eyed group stepped inside, they found torches still burning and a tired disheveled aid-major humped over a ponderous desk.

The governor spoke brusquely, "Be seated!"  Then, turning to his aid-major, he said, "It won't be necessary to record this hearing."

The major rose, clicked his heels and quietly left the room.  Then facing his prisoners, the Governor asked, "Now, what's all this mess and excitement about?"

Stephen Minor, Spanish Governor of Natchez in 1792.  Not the governor in this story, but close enough for me.


Haltingly and brokenly Juan told his story.  At intervals his voice broke and he sought to control the sob-like gasps that cut his breath short.

Perhaps the youths were too deeply engrossed with their own misery to note the pallor of His Excellency's face.  Listening intently as Juan talked, his fine eyes grew somber and his mouth grim.  It was all too evident that the lad was desperate.  His faith had been betrayed and his hopes shattered.  Furthermore, he was filled with deep remorse at his own impulsive action.  "I'll plead guilty your Honor, and take the consequences," he whispered with trembling lips.  "I have nothing to live for," he added, "so the sooner I am executed the better."

Bending a look of deep compassion on the lad, the Governor gave his shoulder a reassuring pat and said, "You did exactly what I might have done in your place."

Getting to his feet, the worried Governor paced the room, his spurs rattling at every step.  For what seemed an eternity, the watchers sat with bated breath.  Their fate rested in this man's hands, and they'd always heard a Spanish Governor was unpredictable.

At length His Excellency stopped in front of Juan.  "For the sake of all concerned," he said, "this matter must be hushed up.  you shall escape to some far country and begin life all over again."

Juan gave a quivering sigh as he ran nervous fingers through his hair.  The Governor's face was sympathetic, but he spoke sternly, "In my opinion you have suffered enough, but if I take this responsibility, you must agree to obey my orders implicitly."  Juan winced, then finally nodded assent.  The Governor went on.  "Since you are unknown, there is little danger of detection, but to make sure, I shall obtain a disguise and arrange for your passage.  Then, after you have reached a safe distance, I shall properly denounce you and offer a reward for your capture."  The boys thanked him humbly.

Perhaps His Excellency was merely touched by the stark tragedy of the stranger's story.  On the other hand, many have hinted that he had a deeper and more personal interest in Juan's heartbreak than would bear close scrutiny.

The next morning at the first grey streak of dawn, the Governor's own galley drew up at the landing.  A moment later a group of men came down the hill.  After brief farewells and handshakes, one lone passenger went on board.  He wore Spanish regimentals, carried military orders and was armed with a passport to Habana de Cuba.

In his pocket was an order for cash on demand.  It was signed by the Civil and Military Governor of the Post and District of Natchez.  The galley hastily pulled out before denizens Under-the-Hill were aware that something unusual was happening.  Only one or two knew that Juan was gone, never to return again.

For 150 years (220 years now) Madam Aivoges' bizarre story has been whispered as a choice tidbit, but her origin still remains a mystery, and as though a partner in the intrigue, the Mississippi has greedily made way with the site of her establishment.  Perhaps it is better so.

Henry Lewis - Mississippi River




Saturday, May 24, 2014

The Aviary





Early morning.
Raucous parakeet
negotiations.
Cleaning house.
Shouting orders.
Making borders.
I am here.
You stay there.
Each man’s perch,
his cage

Feathered jade.
Sapphire desire,
fleeting, desperate, quick
as all get out
of me. Before
You know it,
you’ve spilled
your seed and
everything’s a mess.

The doves arrive
for brunch and wait
along the wall.
Caged
neon emissaries
peck solemn salutations
in yesterday’s hulls
and wonder.

Why do the
dull-coated birds
fly free?
How far is up?
Is the garden flat?
Or round?
Palm fronds sigh.
Water giggles.

Yellow bird
pushes eggs out
the nest, her right
to choose, the
only choice
left.

~~ Elodie Pritchartt

Monday, April 7, 2014

Sleep Paralysis


Last night I dreamed I was in
India.
And elephants and houses had
memories as long as
being.

A phantom shook my shoulder,
and I tried to wake
but my dream was syrup.

I could not swim up.

I felt you touch me
and tried to stir.

I think death will be like this.

Sticky, sweet and heavy.

And silent as a sigh.


Sunday, April 6, 2014

New Look at Old History in Natchez

Photo by Elodie Pritchartt
Al-Jazeera America did a piece on the Natchez Pilgrimage and how it's changing.  Story by Suzi Parker.

You can read it here.


Monday, March 10, 2014

How I Suffer for My Art


This is a post from another blog I used to write.  Happened in California, back around 2006.  The names of people and businesses have been changed.  Just...because. 


Dang! How do I get myself into these things? 

After having taken about a five-year hiatus from writing dorky magazine articles (aka advertorials), I received an email from the editor of a local magazine last night:

Hi.  You still "in the biz?" :) 

I have a quick story with a health angle (nutrition and skin), complete with list of two to three experts to call ready to go... About 800 words... Due Thursdayish? Pay is 12c per 
word. Probably wouldn't take you any time at all.

Let me know if you are interested.

Thanks,

T. Editur


A hundred bucks? Sure. Why not? Right? So I say yes.

She writes me back:

Great! Here's the angle: 

With so much talk about how to improve our looks on the outside, what do these experts suggest as far as improving our looks (age/skin, etc.) from the inside? Nutrition, supplements, particular food, sleep, diet, excercise, ??? 

Heavy on the quotes, with a credibility statement (short, i.e. Dr. Whitehead, a dermatologist with 20 years experience,...) for each...

Here's the contact list:

Dr. Whitehead's Dermatology - 555-3686
The Bottom Line -- Health - 555-2900 , Kathy Krabs
Inze Black of Sagacious (she might not "fit" - she is a natural store that sells pure aromatherapy stuff, etc. - however, if "stress" is an angle, it might fit well. ). cell: 555-5989

Thanks for the last-minute assistance!

T. Editur



Piece of cake. Right? Ahem. I just shot off the following to my editor:

Dear T. Editur,

Holy crap! Wait. Maybe I should rephrase that. 

I shoulda asked you what The Bottom Line -- Health was. I just interviewed Kathy Krabs and started out by saying, 'Now, Kathy, first please tell me what is it you do and what The Bottom Line -- Health is, because I'm not familiar with it and want to make sure I get 
everything right.'

I'm all poised with my nifty little pen and my notebook.

She says, 'Well, I'm a certified colon hydrotherapist and I've been doing this for a little over nine years, and...'

'Waiddaminnit. You're a what?'

'A certified colon hydrotherapist.

Like I don't know what that means.  She gives enemas.  BIG enemas.

'Oh! Okay. I thought that was what you said, but wanted to make sure.'(snicker)

Then she told me all about it and ambushes me with, 'What are you doing tomorrow at 11 o'clock?'

Think! Think! Think! 

Damn. I couldn't think fast enough.

'Um, uh....nothing?'

'Oh, great! Then I insist you come in tomorrow for a complimentary session.'

'Oh, thank you, Kathy, but that's just not my cup of tea.  But, hey!  You know my husband? He's got irritable bowel syndro.....'
(Yes, I know. That was an evil thing to try and probably why I'm no longer  married.)

She'd have none of it. 

'Forget your husband,' she says. 'I want you to come in and have a session. That way, you'll be able to write about it better.'

Egad! I knew writing articles could be a pain in the... Wait. Let me rephrase that.

So, dear T. Editur, do I get combat pay for this? 

I'll let you know how it all comes out tomorrow.

Waiddaminnit.....let me rephrase that.

me

So then my husband says, "Hey! don't you have an appointment with Dr. Baba tomorrow?"

"D'oh! Yeah!"

So when Kathy Krabs calls me back to finalize the appointment, I say, "Um, hey. How long is this gonna take? Because I just remembered I have an appointment at noon tomorrow."

"Ohhhhh, dear. It takes at least an hour and a half. Is it something you can cancel?"

Big Sigh of Relief. Shew!

"Nope. Sorry. No can do. See, it's with my shrink and if I miss it I have to pay for the missed session. $400 an hour and all, you know? (Before you ask, heck no I don't pay my shrink that kinda money.)

"Oh, well."

Heh, heh, heh. I'm all proud of myself for shagging outta that one when she says, "But, hey! I could squeeze you in at 3 p.m. How about that?"

Dang! Did she just say, "squeeze it in???  Ew!"   I was so shocked, all I could manage was, "Um, uh, yeah. Sure."

"I'm so excited," she says. "Aren't you?"

"Yeah," I laughed right out loud. "I can hardly wait."

Toopid! Toopid! Toopid! I've GOT to learn to think on my feet better than this.



The blessed baptism of my colon is a whole 'nuther story altogether.  Which I may or may not tell at some point in the future.

Exit stage left:  squish, squish, squish...