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Saturday, September 10, 2011

The Lemon Drop Martini Shakeup

Photo courtesy of
My neighbor Judy and I tried a new product last night -- The Lemon Drop Martini Shaker that I found at Target. The martinis are deelish; however, there is one slight problem. It comes with this little container of really pretty yellow sugar that you're supposed to line the rim of the glass with. It's friggin' impossible to get it open! So Judy wanted to write a letter of complaint to the company that makes it.

"Well, okay," I said, "But lemme have a couple of these dranks first. I'm a MUCH better writer when I'm in my cups."

So we had a drank or three. They taste like kamikazes, by the way. I dashed this off and sent it, post haste, to the complaint desk at El Paso Chile Company last night. No reply so far, but it IS the weekend. I'll let you know if I become famous.
Dear Shir,

I am writing to ask you a favor, please. I NEVER buy edible products at Target Stores, but your Lemon Drop Martini shaker looked downright delectible, particularlyarrly the beautiful yellow crystals of sugar sitting tauntingly on top of the shaker. They teased me. They beckoned to me, the light winking off those golden candy crystals under the department store lights, postioned just so, to take advantage of my compulsive nature. And even though I was on my way back to the office, I simply had to answer that call.

Thus armed with shaker, sugar, and Kirkland brand vodka (bought on the run at Piggly Wiggly) I returned to work via the ladies room. With my assistant keeping careful lookout at the door, I proceeded to mix the most delicioush lemon drop martini I have ever seen. All it needed now was the amber-colored crystalized sugar to crown the glass, which had been lovingly kept in my office freezer behind my desk for just such an occasion. I was so excited you would've thought I was drinking absinthe! But I could not allow myself one taste until my creation was complete. I needed to add the sugar to the rim of that glass.

I twisted the top. I turned it. I pulled on it. Heck, I even tried pushing it further inside. However, even with all the industrial-strength office supplies at hand -- staple removers, Swiss army knife, cuticle scissors, tweezers, tampons, etc., it was impenetrablebleble. I was unable to crack that sugar case.

Twisting it hurt my wrist. Banging on the desk caused my boss to look up and ask what was going on.

"Oh, nothing, sir. Just a spider! I've taken care of it."

Next, I tried the tweezers. They broke. Dammit. Finally to add insult to injury the jewels from the tips of my newly applied Lee Press-On Nails flew across the room, striking my boss's pet parakeet, Piccolo, in his cage. I think his vision is permanently damaged, and he's been making a strange croaking noise ever since.

Needless to say, I was desperate. I tried again, pulling out the heavy artillery -- the black onyx Scorpion Fantasy letter opener from Lord of the Rings my mother in law gave me for Christmas last year. Nada. Nothing. I looked at my trusty assistant and said, "Jephrey, stop playing with my mascara and get over here. I need help with this sugar."

Jephrey's eyes flashed. "Don't call me sugah, sugah."

The next thing I knew I'd been slapped, not only on the face, but also with a sexual harrassment lawsuit. Hmph! If he thinks I'm getting him tickets for that Barbra Streisand concert that's coming up, he's got another think coming. I don't care if Judy Garland, Cher, Lisa Minelli and Marilyn Monroe are returning from the dead....oh, wait. Lisa's not dead. Well, anyway....I am now unemployed and awaiting my arbitration hearing.

Please advise if you plan to make your package more user friendly, as I've had an offer for employment at McDonald's, and their bathrooms have swinging stall doors. I must be able to work more quickly in the future.

Thank you for your earliest attention to this matter. Unless this problem is rectified, I won't be drinking tee many more of your wonderful-but-difficult martoonis.

Shincerely yours,

E. me